47 days ago I gave myself a challenge and while I haven't accomplished all the small pieces of that challenge my life has drastically changed for the better in ways I could never have imagined. And, the even better news is that I have 53 more days and a lifetime after that to keep moving forward.
My goals were smallish: loose weight, eat healthy, ride more, blog more, be more positive, do things that make a difference. Be accountable! For the first time in a very long time I can say I set a goal that I am following through on, and that I am truly happy. And, it didn't happen in the way I had imagined.
In fact, everything went out the window with in a week of giving myself the hundred day challenge. My focus jumped from accomplishing the smaller goals above to finding a new job… that new job is what has been a springboard towards accomplishing my smaller goals and going beyond.
The short version of a long backstory is that I graduated college Suma Cum Laude ready to face the world, and thinking that having my degree after 8 years of hard work would be the magic answer to officially becoming a self-sufficient happy "grown up" member of society. What followed was a hard life lesson in self worth.
Finding a teaching job now or then was/is hard. The demands put on teachers are almost unattainable. As a result I took the first job that came along rather then believing that I was worthy of the best, taking my time, and being picky. While that job as an ESE facilitator in a charter school was one I could have stayed in long term and learned from I wasn't making enough to survive or getting the support I needed as a new teacher to continue to grow. From there things snowballed. I took a very difficult long term sub position followed by a middle school reading position where I dealt with some very challenging students, and a very unsupportive administration. I left that position feeling so defeated and wondering if I had made the right decision to in becoming an educator. Perhaps I was just not cut out for it. I took on a private school position where I felt more secure because my knowledge base was so broad in comparison to other staff in the small school that I was finally able to have moments where I felt I contributed positively even through many many struggles, but in the end I was left unsatisfied because the school's financial limitations, and choices, made it so difficult to meet the students needs appropriately. At this point it was time to rectify and give it one more go or give up. I was living at home again because of car issues and financial difficulties and I'd pretty much hit a low.
As miserable as I was, I think it took hitting that low point, and taking ownership of the fact that my choices brought me to that point rather then looking at it as though all these bad things had "happened to me" for me to finally fight back. What's the saying…? Something along the lines of if you keep getting asked the same question and being told your wrong change your answer? I had to change my mental approach to life. One small step at a time I began to do just that.
In july I moved out of my mom's house despite it being a very real fear in my mind that I would not find a way to pull my own weight and support myself. It was long overdue time to cut the safety net I'd created for myself… something I needed to do in order truly move forward. I finished my recertification. I applied to 3 counties and I started interviewing. To say that I had focused intensity was an understatement. I lived, breathed, ate, and slept job applications and interviews… some times having one interview a day while still working 60 hours a week, and taking the time to continue applying. I felt lost… and that's an understatement. Two years in a private school and I was so far behind current teacher evaluation trends that I had plenty of moments of "what if I can't cut this?" I was grumpy. I was tired. I'm pretty sure my roommate wanted to kill me.
But, then something happened. I found a job. I found the right job for me, something I should have made a focus all along. And, I did it in two weeks in a climate where despite there being a teacher shortage, the competition for jobs is still very intense. Making it all happen in such a short time period made me realize that despite my own poor self image of prior experiences someone still saw something in me that until that moment I couldn't see in myself.
I am now a proud member of the Tildenville Tiger family teaching gifted, and ESE students… even taking on the role of ESE staffing specialist. And, while I have A LOT to learn for the first time in a very long time I am happy. I feel like goals are attainable. I don't see them as challenges that will never be overcome. In large part thanks to the support of my principal who is taking the time to give me tools.
I changed my approach because past choices weren't working. I prayed to God to put me in the right place, and to give me courage and self worth. I said thank you instead of always asking, but never really giving back. And, I took action to make the changes I wanted happen. But, I also directed my focus towards positions I knew would be a better fit and I was open and honest about my struggles.
The end result is that I found a job where I can give back and make a difference, where I can feel successful, and where I am no longer afraid to ask for help because I feel supported by my principal and my fellow teachers. And, I'm able to give back everything I've gained in my short time at Tildenville by helping other new teachers who feel as stuck and as scared as I did. In doing so I'm realizing just how much I know, just how much I have to give, and just how capable I am.
As a result of the positive and self confident attitude I've developed, I've also achieved my smaller goals with family support loosing a total of 33 lbs in 2 years, becoming more fit, more active, and more healthy, becoming financially independent, and being able to do more with my riding and my horse.
I'm finally where I wanted to be 5 years ago, and should have been all along. I don't regret my past. In fact God has made sure to surround me with reminders of it in the people around me…. God puts you where you need to be. Perhaps I needed to go through those challenges to help others. I learned a lot of things the hard way. I look around me now at other new teachers, at my roommate, and some of my younger friends and I see the lost version of myself in a few of those faces. I also see what they can become. And, I better see myself and just how far I have come. The reality is they will have to fight there own battles, but I hope I can use my experiences to set positive examples.
I also recognize there will be challenges still to come, but I fully intend to face them head on with confidence and positivity. Bring on the last half of my positivity challenge!
Go forth and make a difference in your life or someone else's.
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